They weren’t sure where they wanted to go at the time — only that it would be best to live somewhere else in Europe. Daan had wanted them to finish school first, though. Meaning that they had to stay for at least another year, maybe even longer. That hadn’t been a part of Adriaan’s plan originally, his birthday did nothing but multiply his desire to leave. But he knew that they needed the extra time to save up as much money as possible.
It wasn’t too difficult to find an affordable flat not far away from Hatert. It helped that their parents wanted them gone. It was quite a surprise, but Daan’s mother had helped him look for places, and she even paid their rent for the first two months. Adriaan knew that the woman didn’t like the way they wanted to live together, but he also knew that she was a much better mother than his own. She put aside her intolerance, and knew that Daan’s security was much more important than anything else. She wanted him to have a happy life, she just did not want to get involved as long as Adriaan stayed in the picture. Adriaan’s parents did no such thing, before he left his mother mostly ignored him, and his father only spoke to him to remind him that he better get out as soon as possible.
The hardest part was leaving Madelief behind. She had been so young, and hadn’t yet discovered that her brother would have to leave some day. Adriaan had loved his sister more than anything else, including Daan. And he couldn’t help but continue to feel guilty for choosing his own life over hers. Shortly before he left home, the hatred he felt towards himself carried over and he couldn’t help but doubt the decisions he made.
He, technically, could have fixed his bond with his parents. All he had to do was cut Daan out of his life and convince his parents that he changed his mind. That he wasn’t a homosexual at all, and that he wanted to find a girl and marry her some day, like a good son should have done. Daan would have understood, and they could try their best to forget the relationship that bloomed between them. But would that truly have been as easy as it apparently seemed to his parents? Certainly not. The love he felt for Daan grew with every year they aged, and he’d been yearning for something serious for so long. Nothing he could do would ever return to him the life he lived before he came out. Besides, his parents would never take him seriously after pulling such a stunt. He remembered his father’s reaction, his certainty that what was occurring between Daan and Adriaan couldn’t possibly be serious. And for sure couldn’t be continued.
It brought him comfort to know that Madelief would some day grow up, and that she would stop needing him.
According to his pa, he was a selfish boy with no care for his family. In a way, he had been right. Adriaan did not want to give up his whole life with Daan just so his sister could live comfortably for another few years. Madelief did have a proper relationship with their parents, anyways. Which had been a surprise to him. His father had not seemed like the kind of man who wouldn’t care much for a daughter. And yet, his papa always stood up for Madelief when others picked on her, whilst Adriaan had been expected to fight his battles all by himself. Once, he walked past his sister’s open bedroom door to see their father reading her a story, something the man had never done for him.
Leaving had to be done, though, because staying would have only caused more trouble. Adriaan could still envision her golden hair, her eyes which reminded him of rainy days and swimming pools.
“You don’t want papa to keep hitting me, do you?” he had asked her, standing at the door with a thick coat on and a backpack slung over his shoulder. “He wants me to leave, because I care about Daan too much.”
Madelief had sniffled pitifully as she tugged at his backpack, her eyelashes dark and wet. “You’re still in school,” she had whined. “Surely, you can stay here. It’s better than anywhere else.”
“It’s not. Listen, some day you’ll have to make these decisions as well. Pa wants me out, so I’ll leave. There’s nothing else to be said or done.”
He still wondered if he had been too cold, too cruel for bringing up the violence in their home. Madelief would miss him, he had known this, and he had also known that his parents probably wouldn’t do much to help her in the wake of his leave. For some reason, he had decided to remain oblivious to these facts.
Do you want papa to keep hitting me? was a form of manipulation he had thrown around too often when Madelief didn’t do as he said, when she did things that could get him in trouble. As he came of age in England he began to truly realise how terrible it was. Madelief had always been sensitive, and couldn’t understand why their father hit him at all. And yet he still decided to hold her responsible for it anyways.
He would never regret leaving, not fully at least. Every day he spent in that house past his eighteenth birthday had been counted against him. He had felt like a thief, taking up space that no longer belonged to him. Daan had managed to open up a new world for him, had made him discover what kind of person he was, and who he wanted to be. Cambridge had given him a certain freedom. None of these things could have been obtained within the dingy walls of his childhood home.
That didn’t stop him from thinking, during his first week back in Hatert, about Madelief. A teenage girl he had never seen before. Did she ever wonder where he was, what he was doing, like he so often did about her?
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